Slim Novel 16 - http://adventuresofkimi.blogspot.com - See Homepage
12. After Completion of the Psychoanalysis -
Eddie and Nina have a talk. The analysis has transformed Nina more than Eddie. The event of her cancer badly conflicted her. She adored her husband, lived for him, served him and considered herself his good genie. She thought him a genius. Then, of a sudden, she realized for the first time a selfish side of him. And she realized it had grown because of her adulation. She had spoiled him as a doting mother does her child.
And this selfishness now is killing her.
Deep within her a resentment has built and repressing it resulted in a severe depressive reaction with a denial of her feelings.
Dr. Stan's analysis revealed to her that human beings, herself and Eddie included, are at times pawns in a racial destiny where individual life does not count. In a metaphor, Dr Stan has lifted for her a manhole in her view of human life, and looking down into the dark depths she sees scurrying wet furry bodies, sharp teeth, and death. Recoiling in fear from that view, and now newly understanding human weakness, she begins to love Eddie more than before - and also to empathize with his hurt.
They sit together on the living room sofa, she on his left, with bowl of red apples on the low table in front of them. Nina takes two apples. "Have an apple, dear. And stop looking so sad." She leans toward him and kisses him and her lips are warm and sweet to him. She hands him his apple.
"Look Eddie, I got the cancer. No matter what, I would have got this cancer, And I am going to die not so far in our future. But you will live. And you must be healthy. You have an important something to accomplish before you go. So now, let us concentrate on seeing me through this hard time and I want to go without deforming your life. Please, continue to be my boss, dear. And if you have any sexual need I cannot fulfill, just go out and get it. I love you and I want you happy. Meanwhile I am going to clean my own act up. It should not be hard to lose a little weight, now." She laughs at the morbid joke. "And make myself attractive again. OK. Let us eat our apples."
Eddie leans over and does another kiss. He says, "I get you, Neen. I will never rationalize what I did. I see it clear, thanks to Dr. Stan, and I don't explain it away. But I get your point and thanks for your words. I feel your sincerity through the kiss just now.
Eddie continues. "OK, now I want to concentrate on you, on making you as happy as possible under what for many would be impossible circumstances. So I am going to devote myself to you in an exact sense, at least as much as it makes you happy. I shall use all my knowledge to make you comfortable and give you pleasure and avoid pain. "
He pauses and then: "And thank you for releasing me from sexual faithfulness but I am not going to pay attention to anyone else. I have suddenly lost that desire when I think about the love you show to me in your last words."
Eddie stops; and, suddenly, is sobbing. Nina opens her arms.
13. A breast cancer -
that is discovered with metastasis is incurable. That word is not often mentioned but everyone understands. Eddie had already made his one terrible error; he was not going to make more by avoiding the word. But he did not volunteer it. He knew Nina knew, and they both worked together to make her ending as least unhappy as seemed possible.
The expert opinion is Nina has 6 more months. The mode of her exitus is important to her and Eddie. Are there brain metastases, lung metastases, bone metastases? A brain metastasis means epileptic seizures, terrible headaches, mental changes and, possibly, the most feared, organic psychosis. So time is spent getting an electroencephalogram; also the newfangled CT scan just introduced that year and careful neurological tests. These assure no brain metastases.
Bone metastases are frequent from breast and mean horrible terminal pain and fractures and invalidism. An x-ray survey of Nina's bones is negative. Lung metastases mean strangulation death. Happily, the careful chest x-ray views show none.
Eddie & Nina discuss it with the surgeon who also functions as oncologist - cancer specialist,
"A liver metastasis alone is unusual," he says, sitting behind his big desk, Nina on left and Eddie right. "But I am not surprised it is left lobe of liver. This kind of isolated liver met is usually left lobe and it comes from the tumor directly growing back into the vein from breast to liver."
Nina, who is more active and less depressed since Stan's psychoanalysis, leads the questioning. "How will my ending be doctor? What should I do to lessen the worst?"
"My dear, it is maybe a small good news in a sea of trouble but exitus with only a liver met is not a bad way to go out. The worst part may be fluid in the belly, which I can deal with by tap. Jaundice I can prevent by shunt. Eventually, when too much liver is replaced, your blood ammonia will rise and you will drift into sleep coma."
Eddie comes in, "But how to prevent new mets?
"One full course of chemotherapy. It won't cure but should prevent."
"What about giving a supply of morphine?" Eddie asks.
"I was going to suggest that. Your being an M.D. will help there."
14. The use of Morphine
Eddie knew about morphine from his mentor, Miss Ali and from Dr Stan. Everything he had learned pointed to morphine's good use against the fear and depression brought on by knowing one will soon die.
He sits with Nina on sofa. Before them on table is a bottle of milligram pills of morphine sulfate, the white pills looking like very small round candy balls.
"Nina, here are Dr Stan's famous morphine pills."
"You mean I will be taking them against the pain?"
"No, that's what everyone thinks a cancer patient should take morphine or other opiate for, but it's incorrect. It ends up overdosing and disappointing."
"So why and when should I take it?"
"To answer that Why?, why don't we each try? OK?"
"OK, Eddie, I trust you and even more because you take what you advise."
Nina reaches in and takes out 2 pills and hands one to Eddie. He says.
"Don't swallow. Put it under tongue and let it dissolve."
She does it and he follows. She makes a wry face. "What happens now."
"Just wait."
They sit in silence.
"I'm starting to feel something," she says.
Another minute. "Now more. Just before I took the pill, I was feeling the way I always feel since I knew about my cancer - a kind of worry what happens next, regret I didn't check it more myself, anger at you but guilt because I love you. But now this unease - it's lifting and - almost gone now."
"What else Nina?"
"Before the pill, time dominated my mind - How much time before the pain will get worse, before my liver will fill with tumor, before this wonderful life I've lived will have a stop? Time was ever on my mind in an oppressive way. Now the time has dilated like a bubble. Where before I was thinking in weeks and months, at most a year; now those intervals are meaningless. I feel like, in the science fiction story we read where the scientist discovers the quantum unit of time he calls the chronon inside of which time stops running for you. Now, I feel like I am inside it. Like the moment will never end. So the meaning of When I die? - it has no feeling for me; it's like eternity."
"And how is your pleasure sense?"
"Wow! Now you ask I am tingling all over, I feel good." She glances at Eddie. "And what about you; have you got it too?"
"No, Neen. But that's because I'm tolerant from using it."
"Oh, I didn't know you were hooked." She stands. "Oh, Eddie, thank you, thank Dr Stan, thank Morphine!"
He pulls her back down on sofa. "Easy, Neen, I don't wanna be Dr Killjoy but the dose wears off. Just want to show you what you can look forward to. Not the worst way to go as ways to go, go." They embrace and Eddie indicates and clothes come off and we leave them for a while to their own style.
End of Section. To continue next, click 16.(15-17) Palliative Surgery/Chemotherapy/Radiat...
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